This week I got funked up. I mean, I was really, really funked up. Funked up to the point where my mind and body were completely at odds, like Valley and Bayside at the Homecoming football game. Nothing seemed to make sense as I wandered through my daily routine, completely funked up.
Being funked up isn't the raging hangover resulting from shooting several rounds of West Virginia's finest grain alcohol after tandem-bonging four beers with a good pal. Well, not directly, anyway. No, no... being funked resembles the mentally crippling aspect of a hangover, minus the beer poops.
Most people call it having a bad week
or something to the effect of such a cliche. I call it being funked up. Being funked up can result from any number of causes, and funks don't necessarily result from any one specific event or situation. For me, the funk began early Sunday morning. I woke up (on the floor, with no pants and halfway under my bed) and rubbed the yellow eye boogers from my eyelashes. Struggling to muster up some hydration for my dry-as-sandpaper mouth, I surveyed the situation and eventually made my way to a vertical base. After about an hour of unsuccessful attempted recollection of the anarchy that was Halloween 2K3, I realized that something wasn't right.
That's the absolute worst part about being funked. You feel down for some reason, but the specificity of the reason eludes you like growing out of that awkward ugly phase eluded Blossom and Doogie Howser, M.D.
I equate it to the ol' hamster and the wheel analogy. Everyone has a hamster in his or her head, scurrying furiously on his wheel to make sure things keep moving. Everyone's hamster is different. Some hamsters may wear pirate outfits, ninja outfits or sexy-nurse outfits. Some hamsters may opt to run in front of a television set that only plays reruns of Global G.U.T.S., and some hamsters may run while sporting mesh back hats (insert overplayed Ashton Kutcher joke here). Whatever the tendencies of your hamster may be, the universal among all hamsters is that their job is to keep the wheel turning.
You gotta give credit to the hamster. Despite the fact that he has a tail that looks like a hairy nipple, he usually keeps on truckin' so that your brain keeps working. But, every once in a while, for whatever reason, everyone's hamster stumbles. Thoughts of impending deadlines, classes and the dreaded life after college concept are what comprised my cerebral obstacle course, but the opposite sex, parental problems and countless other problematic thoughts all provide additional considerable obstacles for the hamster to hurdle while he scampers along.
Sometimes, the hamster trips over one thought and gets right back up. But other times, the hamster trips and, upon scuttling to his feet, gets tripped up by another thought, and another, and another. This mess of unfavorable thoughts writhing around in one's noggin is what constitutes a funk. And when the hamster can't maneuver his tiny paws back on the wheel right away, you are pretty much funked.
In time, though, the hamster is able to surmount the commotion and get back on his wheel. He may be bruised, beaten and in need of some chicken soup and Price is Right (a sick-day tradition), but he also emerges stronger and tougher because of all the adversity he overcame in order to make his way back safely. Obstacles like a bad grade, a lousy weekend, or an inappropriate poopy-noise on a first date no longer seem important to the hamster. Eventually, the hamster won't flinch when he sees a C+ on your English test coming his way. He will laugh at the thought of the fight that happened between you and your significant other over who was inappropriately drunk or who flirted with whom on Saturday night. The hamster realizes that despite each new set of funky circumstances, he will get back up. And he will keep running.
Coming out of a funk makes you realize that things aren't always that bad. Sometimes life kicks you in the balls. Sometimes life kicks you in the balls repeatedly with steel-toed Carhartt boots. But, eventually, you and your hamster will stand up and kick it right back. And there's no greater feeling than kicking life in the plums and telling the funk to funk off.
-
17
Archives
Matt Christensen
