Live for the Moment
Every now and then, my brain farts. Some are loud; some are quiet. Some are wet, some sound like a zipper and some leave gnarly skid marks. Some produce thoughts of pure genius, and others produce thoughts worthy of Jessica Simpson's insightful criticism.
A brain fart occurs when a momentary lapse in one's attention span creates a conundrum that warps the mind and distorts the senses beyond repair because its answer is so paradoxically paralyzing. Brain farts distract one away from the monotony of life and allow the brain to think freely, creatively, about some of the more interesting and pressing issues facing the world today. For example, SNICK. Brain farts, whatever the texture or consistency, can result in a simple smirk of the lips, a serious intellectual catharsis or a jovial conversation during a drunken game of Street Fighter II.
I felt it fitting in this, quite possibly my last column for The Post, to let you all have a good steamy whiff of some of my ripest brain farts (remember, in through the nose ... out through the mouth). Enjoy...
Who was the wardrobe person responsible for dressing A.C. Slater in the acid wash jeans with the two belts sewn into the waist? ... If all three of them are Destiny's Child, wouldn't that make them Destiny's Children? ... Why was there a G.I. Joe named Snowjob? ... What was Fraggle Rock teaching children by telling them to work their cares away and seek advice from a talking pile of trash?? ... When Bert & Ernie played baseball
who was the pitcher and who was the catcher? ... Why do I still laugh when a teacher tells the class to turn to page 69? ... If I prayed all the time, instead of studying, would I get better grades? ... How did the Ninja Turtles go to the bathroom? ... What trend-a-liscious fad will become the mesh back hat of 2004? ... Dawson's hair in the first two seasons - or did we just spend all of our time setting it up? ... What is it, exactly, that I wouldn't understand about Jeep Things? ... Am I the only one who thought that Kimmy Gibbler was not bad looking? ... Why is my wiener so small, and bent? ... How closely do people actually read these articles? ... Who will be the one-billionth person to think he/she is original and hilarious for wearing a camouflage T-shirt with the message HA! Now you can't see me! ... Who else remembers the original T.G. I. F. lineup? ... Is being able to fart on command a gift or a curse? ... Why do most girls fail to appreciate the contributions made to society by such noteworthy figures as Rowdy Roddy Piper, Sgt. Slaughter and Macho Man Randy Savage? ... C'mon Athens, where's the damn Chipotle already? ... Why can't we read Hatchet and The Indian in the Cupboard in college? ... Why don't we get orange slices and Capri Sun after intramural games? ... If Kirk Cameron were my partner for beer pong, would I ever lose? ... Speaking of which, how did the crew behind Growing Pains get away with calling a character Boner for so long? ... Did Clarissa ever actually explain anything? ... Who else was horrendously disappointed by their dorm room and resident assistant after watching Saved By The Bell: The College Years? ... How come I can memorize the Konami Code and recite every word to I Swear but I can't recall Plato's allegory of the cave? ... Why are pirates so #$%^ing sweet? ... Does anyone actually know anyone who went to Space Camp? ... Who ever passed up the purple stuff for Sunny D? ... Did anyone ever actually get hit by the pies in the Pie Pod? ... and, of course, French cuffs -
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Matt Christensen
