Here's the thing about life in this world: As I get older, I am coming to realize some questions may just not have an answer. The fact of the matter is humans can only learn and comprehend so much, and the rest is only for a higher power to understand. Nevertheless, there are many times when I can't sleep at night and I ponder the greater forces that drive this planet. This week, I would like to look at some of these unanswerable questions that have plagued mankind for so long.
My first universe question is one that just doesn't make cents to me. If you really sit down and think about it, can you understand how a penny only can cost one cent? I'm serious -- really think about this. The little piece of metal must be imprinted with the tiniest writing, have a recognizable Abraham Lincoln face on it and it must be tough enough to endure going from one six-year-old's mouth to the next without losing its integrity. Now when you put all the factors together, how is it that something like this can be produced for less than one cent when you can't change its shape for less than 50 cents at an amusement park? Does that seem right? Hell, last time I checked (and by checked I mean I had a conversation with a G.I. Joe collector at a local flea market, and he was slightly drunk), the weapons that G.I. Joe figures have cost 11 cents each. How is it possible to engrave the tiniest little year in the corner of this piece of metal when my G.I. Joe can't get a 1/2-inch machine gun that my dog will swallow for under a dime?
Now I know some of you might not think this is a very serious thing, but I don't spend all my time pondering this. There are many more questions out there. For example, I can't watch an action movie without one burning question: Who are these evil henchmen? Seriously, where do they find these guys, and what's in it for them? We can all understand the premature puberty and lack of nurturing that caused the evil villain to go crazy and decide to burn down New York City, thus killing all its inhabitants, but who are these guys in the background saying, "Yeah boss, that's a good idea, nuke all of existence and then we can spend the rest of our days laughing nefariously." I really am quite concerned with where these people come from. I suppose they were too into weapons to work at Wal-Mart, and yet too inept to work for the C.I.A . There must be some middle ground, but why does it have to be producing evil? And the worst part about these guys is for all the evil intentions: Have they ever successfully killed anyone, ever? I don't think they have, which makes me wonder if their hearts are really in it.
The last thing that I don't understand is traffic. I really want to know: Why don't the people in front just drive? Really, there must be someone, somewhere that can drive, so why doesn't that person just go? I truly believe there must be something -- a universe force, an angry God, something -- that keeps me waiting four feet behind the rock-hauling semi-truck with the sign on the back that says "Stay back 100-feet." Only adding to my idea that this must be some conspiracy is the fact that old people only seem to be on the road when I'm late. Anytime I just want to drive to the porno shop for a matinee I can drive as fast as I like, but the minute I am running a little bit behind, every 83-year-old in town needs to make their way to Speedway for an orange soda.
Indeed, this world is an interesting place, full of things that we will never understand. Nevertheless, I suppose we just weren't meant to know the answers. Now we just need to figure out if a nickel is really worth our government's time.
--Cottrill is a junior English major who understands everything. Send him an e-mail at michael.cottrill@ohiou.edu
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Mike Cottrill
