All humans are born with natural instincts. We need them to eat, sleep and breathe. But men are born with more than you could ever imagine, traits deep inside our genetic code that are responsible for farting, forgetting birthdays and leaving the toilet seat up.
Scientists don't even understand these, let alone the average woman on the street. But I do. I've been a card-carrying male ever since my operation six years ago. I have a doctorate in penis-ology and a firm understanding of the male instincts. And as a public service to you, I will reveal them in all their glory, gluttony and greed.
The male Sabbath
It's hard work being a man. After six days of opening jars, reaching things on high shelves and telling women, "No honey, you don't look fat in that mumu," we need a day of rest.
That's why our body shuts down one day every week. On this day, work is strictly prohibited, even lifting our feet so you can vacuum underneath them is not allowed. The Sabbath often falls on football Sundays and can be identified when Cheetos, cheap beer and the remote control all rest within arms reach.
In special situations (Baywatch marathons, Dukes of Hazard week on TNN and seven game playoffs), the Sabbath can be extended without question.
Fast and Furious
All road trips longer than 45 minutes qualify as full-fledged time trials. The trips must be coordinated with the effort and precision of a space shuttle launch. All stops must include gas and bathroom visits, and can last no longer than 52 seconds.
During these stops you cannot pause to rest, relax or retrieve your first-born. Sacrifices must be made in the sake of time. All of this is necessary so that men can arrive a few minutes early, puff out their chests and say, "Made pretty good time, didn't we?" And in a 1985 Chevelle, nonetheless.
Male Attention Deficit Disorder
Males have a hard time staying focused with all those beer commercials, sports statistics and gangster movies circling in their heads. It's no surprise then that there are occasional lapses in concentration. These lapses are most often triggered by overtime games, exposed female anatomy and advertisements for meat products larger than a quarter-pound.
Please refrain from talking during these periodic lapses or another damaging instinct will be initiated. Also known as the "I'm Listening Honey" reflex, the man will nod and smile, and completely forget about Saturday's dinner date with the Newmans.
The One-Urinal Buffer
Except for extreme circumstances (i.e. your bladder has been holding an entire King Cobra for the last two hours), men can never, ever, use the urinal directly to the right or left of another in use.
If this instinct is ignored, it makes for the most awkward moments of a man's life. The man is required to stare directly at a spot on the wall and refrain from all forms of verbal and non-verbal communication. The trauma that results from ignoring the buffer can have detrimental side effects like poor aim, excessive splashing and stage fright.
For this reason, men have an inherent bias toward stadium pee troughs, where the proper arms-length buffer can be maintained.
*The one-urinal buffer is void 10 feet inside any bar.
No More Tears
Women are entitled to spend entire days crying in front of the Lifetime Channel with a box of tissues at their side. Not men. If tears ever drip out of our eyes, our testosterone output will fall to dangerous levels and we will begin growing breasts within days. Our powers of fixing things, barbecuing and hitting the inside fastball will be completely destroyed.
In order to prevent this, we must take extreme measures to avoid any moisture from entering our eyes. If special circumstances create tears (the Cubs win the World Series, a jigsaw severs your carotid artery, you get Montezuma's death hot sauce in your eye), you must blame the moisture on a lingering side effect from a macho endeavor.
Example: "Are you crying?"
"No, I got tear gassed trying to tear down a goal post after Ohio State beat Michigan. The doctors said it would cause permanent condensation."
Thus, your man-boobs and barbecuing skills are saved.
Male behavior might seem ridiculous at times, but it can't be changed. The instincts have developed over thousands of years and are necessary for survival. And if we die off, who will open all the jars?
— Wilkinson is a senior journalism major who will probably lose a testicle for revealing the secrets of manhood. If you would like to purchase it on the black market send a bid to n8wilk@hotmail.com.
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Nate Wilkinson
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Nate Wilkinson
