Live from the frontlines on the war between the sexes in the bedroom, this embedded member of the media is reporting that women have a new weapon — the extended pleasure condom.
With the promise of "helping prolong sexual pleasure" on the box, Trojan claims the 12 latex condoms are lined with a climax control lubricant that is a "male genital desensitizer."
Basically, this condom is like shooting your jimmy with novocaine and putting him in to perform.
"I looked up and realized I had been going for more than like 45 minutes," said one of my friends, who recently fell victim to the new technology on Spring Break. "Have you ever had sex for more than an hour straight? It is like an endurance challenge where lactic acid builds up in all the wrong places."
"I eventually became too tired for anything to happen, but of course she loved it. I then saw she had bought Trojan Extended Pleasure and everything became clear."
Advantage: Women.
Women know that men—no matter how much they claim to be a "marathon man"— are good for about 15 to 20 minutes on a good day before they jump off the cliff they have been tiptoeing on the edge of since the sexual encounter began. And once he clears that edge, there is no turning back.
Women now have a net.
According to the box for the Trojan Extended Pleasure, the active ingredient to deaden the nerves in the mail penis is four percent Benzocaine. Now it does not take a smart man to realize that nothing with the suffix —caine should be ever near his special friend.
Before replacing alcohol as one of the top ways to lose touch with your penis, dentists and doctors often used Benzocaine to numb an area before an injection, according to http://www.dermnetnz.org.
It also is used to ease pain in sunburn crèmes and throat lozenges, and now the intelligent people at Trojan are using Benzocaine to tame your tallywhacker.
The consequences of these extended pleasure condoms are yet to be seen, but this analyst believes they could turn the sexual world into a bad Twilight Zone episode for men.
Women now have a new weapon in the fight against premature— or any —ejaculation in their male sexual partners and put the focus on their orgasm alone. Women will be the ones going to bed happy, and men will be turning in with only the tinges of tired muscles around their numb nuts.
Men now will sit around with their friends talking about how they faked an orgasm last night with their girlfriends, while women will talk about how many orgasms are possible in a 45-minute session.
Technology has always been a scary thing and — thanks to Trojan — not even the bedroom is safe for men anymore.
—Shugar is a senior journalism and English major. Send him e-mail at paul.shugar@ohiou.edu.
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Paul Shugar
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Paul Shugar
