ST. LOUIS, MO — Complacent with the personal, crude style of the first presidential debate featuring repeated ad hominem attacks and personal defense, Washington University of Missouri has decided to scrap the originally intended format of nine 10-minute segments and has instead put in place a new format for the debate in which candidates Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will partake in a rap battle. The hosts have expressed their passion to continue the unproductiveness and immaturity of the first debate in the easiest way possible, through rhyming personal attacks at one another over a sick beat.
“They were already just hurling insults at each other the whole time, so we’re just going full force for this next one,” Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton told reporters. “It’ll be a legit rap battle. We’ll lay down a beat and they’ll spit fire. It’ll be dope, yo.”
Wrighton seemed optimistic for the viewership of this coming debate.
“I mean, we hosted the vice presidential debate of 2008, but who watches that stuff, am I right?” Wrighton said in an interview. “No one. The answer is no one. Now this — this’ll get a lot of viewers. It’ll be off the hook.”
The Trump and Clinton campaigns have responded positively to the news.
“Are you kidding me? Hillary Clinton, rapping?” Trump said. “She can’t rap. She just can’t do it. There’s just something about her, I couldn’t ever see her rapping. You know, you think of Eminem, you think of Kanye West, you think of Drake, and they’ve all got something she doesn’t have. I don’t know how else to say it. But there’s no way she can rap. She’s just … She just can’t. There’s no way.”
“Donald Trump, rapping?” Clinton said. “Boy, I’m the hippest one around. I can’t imagine that old skeezer trying to rap! What, does he think he can be hashtag relatable with the kiddos? There’s no way he’ll spit fire as hot as my fire will be! I’m the dopest!”
Both candidates haven’t said much since, and are reportedly working fervently on their next greatest disses to perform publicly — this time in rap format.
Marco Omta is a sophomore studying music production. Who would win in a rap battle between Trump and Clinton? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.
